The Kill Factor

I am not sure that anyone would ever describe me as "mild-mannered".

I'm pleasant, to be sure, but beneath the brunette ponytail, Sara's Secret relaxwear and neo-retro Mickey Mouse T-shirt (Disney World Park Exclusive, of course) lies a hot piping little volcano of molten rage and bubbling indignance.

My friend once described it as "an acute sense of justice."

My diplomatic cousin once said that I'm nice but that I "just CARE too much...about...everything..."

Okay, lets go with that.  Inside me lies a hot piping little volcano of molten care and bubbling justice.

I'm not always in a rage, but would say that most things in my life can be measured by its Kill Factor.  As in, a scale of 1 to 10, how much to I want to kill a person, place, thing or idea.

"Urge to kill rising...rising.."

Its simple, really.

Lady who holds up the line at the grocery store because, having already paid, they still want to chat it up with the cashier - KILL FACTOR 1

The girls in my dorm that would throw parties in the hallway at 3 am when I had an 8am Music Theory class - KILL FACTOR 9.9

In between there, you have an entire host of situations and Kill Factors.

Airports, for instance:

Guy who dropped a deuce in the airplane bathroom then left it in there for my son and I to behold - KILL FACTOR 7

Girl  in front of me who decided that the airport was the BEST place to wear her mini-dress with several metal zippers while also displaying 4 of her favorite metal body piercings and yelling at the Security Agent for making her take off her most comfortable 5 inch stilletos - KILL FACTOR 9

Entertainment:

Caillou, Max and Ruby, and Sponge Bob - KILL FACTOR 5

Self-righteous, pretentious celebrities who look down on people who don't re-purpose their Snickers wrappers into home decor - KILL FACTOR 9

Parenting:

Parents who yell at other people indirectly by talking loudly to their children.  As in, "Its okay, Bobby, I'm sure that lady REALLY has to go to the bathroom or she would never make us stand here behind her in line!" - KILL FACTOR 4

Daughter calling me fat - KILL FACTOR 8.97

Marriage:

Desperately needing sleep but having to listen to Mr. MacSnorington next to you - KILL FACTOR 9.9999 (I'm sleepy!  My Kill Factor is more intense!)

Having a terrible day at home, sauteing vegetables on a hot stove while kicking the children with one foot as a barely effective form of corporal punishment, and counting the seconds until Spouse gets home.  Only to have him call and say his meeting ran late and he won't be home for another hour.  TRUE...not his fault...but the emotion at the time equals - KILL FACTOR 9.9998

Now, there are rules to the Kill Factor.  You can NEVER have a Kill Factor of 10.  Kill Factor 10 means that you actually went through with it.  It means that you will get 25 years in the slammer.  So, keep it under control, count to 10, pray, drop down instantly into your favorite yoga pose, or maybe just do a little light murdering in your head before banishing the thought forever.  I won't judge you.

And, some things don't necessarily require a Kill Factor, just an Eye Roll factor.  Like, people who insist on calling God a "she" - EYE ROLL FACTOR 8

Family Fun Magazine - EYE ROLL FACTOR 6

See?  And of COURSE some things give me a feeling of love and encouragement.  We'll call it a LOVE BURST FACTOR.  But Kill Factors seem much more handy to a person who gets fairly disconcerted by "other people" not "doing what I want them to". 

What things raise your Kill Factor levels?