UnPinteresting

Pinterest.

I have a love hate relationship with it.

I love all the pretty pictures and the fact that I don't have to "read things". 

I love all the ways Pinterest inspires me to be a better person by pinning Inspirational Quotes on Parenting, Interesting Crafts To Do With Your Kids, and Clever Make At Home Family Games...all while completely ignoring my children who are running around the streets naked, covered in mud to protect themselves from the sun's rays and bug bites as they scavenge for food.

I hate the way Pinterest makes me not like myself.  I don't look at pictures of beautiful homes and think, "Some day!" or "I can use my totally applicable life skills to tile my own floor that way".  I think, "Ugh, I never noticed how lame my own house is until this very moment."

And all those boards with clever clothing ensembles.  They make me sad.  I'm secretly so materialistic and vain, that Pinterest awakens the demons inside my heart. My lust for J.Crew and Banana Republic inspired ensembles makes those stinking fashion boards a form of Lady Porn for me.

And then, there is the fear.

The Pinterest Vortex fear.  What if, someday, I drive myself into a never-ending loop of crafts that puts me into a deep and troubling state of psychosis.

For instance, what if, while my kids are trapped outside in the rain trying to make fire and erect a shelter, I find a cute picture of a Make At Home Hello Kitty Shirt.

Oh good, the daughter I own somewhere LOVES Hello Kitty.  But wait!  Here is another Pin about making your own white T-Shirt out of paper plates.  Fantastic!  I'll make that first, then use it for the Hello Kitty craft.  But look at this!  A pin about making your own fabric paint out of melted marbles.  And then I find how to make your own marbles out of old towels.  THEN I FIND HOW TO MAKE YOUR OWN TOWELS OUT OF RECYCLED HELLO KITTY SHIRTS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

There's also the Pinter-exic fear.  Similar to Tanorexia.  Where I become so obsessed with Pinterest that I become a social outcast.  Much like this girl will feel the next time she walks into Target or takes her trash out to the curb...

 Girl, I know.  I've been there.  You've rolled your hair up in a sock for beautiful curly hair, learned a fancy new way to braid your bangs, watched a tutorial on eye make up, used simple craft glitter to make a temporary tattoo on your face, AND followed every rule in the "How To Pose Like Bar Rafaeli for Pictures".  I have that Pin too.

Pinterexia can manifest itself anywhere, not just in "Health and Beauty".  Maybe your Pinterexic tendencies lead you to decorate your home like this...

Oh look.  This lady re-purposed a glass bowl by rolling it in peach paint, re-imagined a dresser into an island, and re-confused my brain with the profusion of frilly, lacy, froo froo.  And, if this lady EVER hoped to get her husband to help in the kitchen, she can kiss that dream goodbye.  Is she supposed to actually make food in this kitchen?  She might need to move that carefully placed antique-inspired Make At Home Apron to rip apart her raw chicken.

Now I'm just getting mean.

Well, I guess I should go check on my kids.  Wait, no, I think that's them in the cul-de-sac roasting a raccoon they trapped over the fire they made.  I guess that buys me a couple more minutes to Pin that article on Raising Independent and Capable Children.  Geesh, maybe reading it will FINALLY free me from the constant needs of my children.