Christmas Songs: I won't go until I get some

(tee hee...I said "get some")

Ahem...

Christmas songs are great.  Most of the time.

They are glorious declarations of the season.  At least, some of them are.

Christmas songs warm the heart.  Although, now that I think of it, some also curdle the brain.

A time-honored English carol, sung by several generations, reminds us that so much as changed and yet so much is still the same.  Except when the English Paul McCartney wrote "Simply Having a Wonderful Christmas Time" and caused me to accidentally swear a little in my head.

Let's face it.  We have a love/hate relationship with Christmas Music.  I'll save my favorites for another post.  For now, here are the songs that I straight-up loath and those that I like so much in spite of myself that I am filled with self-loathing.

Christmas Songs That Make Me Want to Stab Myself with a Blunt Candy Cane

I get through this song by picturing these as the Christmas shoes

1.  Christmas Shoes -  For....REAL!  What was this guy's problem when he wrote this song?   Total emotional manipulation.  Also, if I were dying in the hospital and suddenly I had to be like, "Honey?  Where's our son?"  I would not be the first person dead in that room....like, I would KILL my husband!  So, son, you might as well try to con a store clerk and naive stranger into some shoes for your Dad, as well.  Size 11.

2.  Simply Having a Wonderful Christmas Time - Its weird.  Its like if aliens from Mars embraced the hippy culture of the 70s and wrote a Christmas song about it.  Those weird little synth noises in that song creep me out.

3.  Self-Righteous Songs about Starving People - My new definition of Self-Righteous is:  Getting mad and writing a song about world hunger and how everyone else is The Worst because we forgot to tell Bono personally that we are actually giving money, sending donations, caring about our fellow man, etc. No one wants to feel like a jerk at Christmas.  Plus the line about "Do they know its Christmas time at all" bugs me because, well, if they are of non-Christian descent, then no...they don't know...and they don't care.  They are just hungry. Until my money gets to the proper Bono-less relief worker, that is.

4.  Drummer Boy - This is rife with irony.  One time, my family ate at a 1950's themed diner in Grand Rapids, MI (holla!).  We picked Drummer Boy on the juke box at our table.  The man behind us began furiously writing on his notepad...its was weird.  The next day, there was an editorial in the newspaper about a guy who loathed the family that chose this song at the diner he was eating at.  And now, Mr. Reporter, I get it.  So much Pa-rum-pa-pa-pumming!  And, again, it doesn't make sense!  There were not drummer boys at the Nativity, and if there were, I'm sure that would be the second mother in this blog post that would be doing some killing.  A sleeping infant's manger is a No-Parumping Zone.

5.  12 Days of Christmas - I have a Christmas CD that has a scratch during this song that makes it skip at least 4 days.  I could not be more thrilled

Christmas Songs that I Kind of Like but Kind of Loath Myself for Liking

1.  Last Christmas - Wham! (George Michael).  I'm sorry.  But I super duper love this song.  I sing every word at the top of my lungs while driving.  My favorite thing is the weird way he says his words:

Last Christmas I "gev" you my heart

The very next day, you "gev" it away

This year to "sev" me from tears

I'll give it to someone special

2.  Grown Up Christmas List - Many Artist in Whom I am Disappointed.  BUT!  I have just this year found the secret to enduring this song.  Singing, very loudly, your own grown up christmas list.  Things like:

No more crying in the dark!

Won't get attacked by sharks!

And peopewillfinallypickuptheirdogspoop in the park!!!

3.  Grandma Got Run Over By a Reindeer - How gauche.  And yet...I find myself giggling every time.

Oh, Neil don't look at me that way, I'm sorry!

4.  You Make it Feel Like Christmas - Neil Diamond.  I yell, "YES!!!!" every time I hear this song.  My siblings and I have an entire routine to this horribly cheesy ode to schmaltz. 

You make it feel like Christmas

Even when things go wrong

I hear the sound of Christmas

In your song

(what does that even MEAN?)

5.  Snoopy's Red Baron song - I just don't...really...get...why...this...is...a...Christmas...song.  NEVERTHELESS!  I somehow find myself getting wrapped up in the scintillating narrative.

Ta-daaaaaaaaaa!  That's it!  Yankee Peach's exhaustive list of the Worst, and Guilty-Pleasurest Songs of Christmas.  What's on your list(s)?