Polite Conversation

I love people.

I do.

People are great.

What I really hate is small talk.

I'm terrible at it.

However, if People want to talk about their kids, their careers, their jewelry-making hobby, I'm fine with that.

But, a certain type of People drive me a little insane.  In fact, there should be a rule.  Well, I guess there already is one, and I would like to add my own spin on it.

"When making polite conversation, never talk about money, politics, religion, or...the weather."

I know, the weather does not ruffle feathers or start drunken family fights at Christmas parties, but I feel that I have some valid points, so hear me out.

Point Number One. Here's the thing about weather...who honestly cares?  That point stands on its own.

Point Number Two. Upon arriving at a party, its a given that we have all just been in the same weather.  We already know that its a crystal clear night or that it looks like rain.  As we all converge on someone's house, should we also talk about the road we were all just on?

"Oh, my, that is some really gray asphalt in your neighborhood, Charlene!  Did anyone else notice how gray the asphalt was?"

"Roger and I were JUST talking about Charlene's road and commenting on the color."

"Well, Jim and I were completely distracted by the smooth texture to even notice the color.  How did you keep your road from being too bumpy, Charlene?"

No.  We do not talk about the road.  And I propose the same be true of the weather.

I suppose the only exception to my "No Weather" policy is if you have a fantastic anecdote to share.  I love a good anecdote.  If you once had a tornado rip through your neighborhood or you were dismayed to find that, on your once-in-a-lifetime trip to Hawaii that it actually snowed, those are good stories.

But I know People guilty of only talking about the weather.  Non-stop.  For hours.

"My goodness, Charlene, its breezy today!"

"Oh, it is breezy you are right!"

"Would you say its as breezy as it was on Tuesday?"

"Well...let's think about that...Tuesday was a fair-to-moderate breeze, but I wouldn't go so far as to call it a wind...and this breeze today doesn't seem anywhere near that caliber."

"Hm.  True.  But..(small laugh because this is getting really interesting)...ha!...NOTHING beats the Breeze of '98!  Remember the Breeze of '98, Charlene!"

"Oh, ho ho hoooo, how could I forget!  That breeze made all the leaves fall of that Japanese Maple in the front yard...was that a Japanese Maple?"

Oh. my. goodness.  And, the entire time, you are forced to sit there and go "Ah!" and "Oh, really?" while slowly and methodically trying to pierce your own torso with a dull butter knife because the pain reminds you that you are alive.

Of course, one could turn The Weather into an acceptable conversation topic with a little creativity.  Perhaps if we added a conceptual or metaphysical spin to the weather conversation?  Maybe questions like:

"So, Charlene, tell me, as a breeze expert...what separates a breeze from a wind, I've always been curious?"

Or

"You know, they say that every snow flake is completely different.  But, what if snow flakes were all exactly the same?  Does that change anything about your views on society?  God?  snowflake crafts?"

Yeah, you can talk about weather like that and I would be okay with it.

So, this holiday season,  please don't talk about the weather.  In fact, PLEASE explain to me how your politics are better than mine or give hints all night that your husband makes more money than mine does.  Its preferred over scintillating comments about the sudden drop in barometric pressure.