The End of the World As We Know It (to be)

I felt I should add the (to be) in case REM slaps me with a lawsuit.  Under NO CIRCUMSTANCES should you be thinking about the REM song right now.  No circumstances!!

..."Lenny Bruce is not afraid"....DANG IT!

Its like some kind of a brain disease!  It just gets in there and it won't leave.

But, I saw something lately that made me gasp and think, "What is wrong with the universe?"  It was this:

ARE YOU KIDDING ME?  Did we really need this?  Were Doritos and Taco Bell not causing enough problems in the world without needing to combine forces???  Did Morbid Obesity in America need anymore help?

What other treats must combine in order to bring on the Apocalypse?  Hmmmm.....

Skittle and Slurpees

Oh!  Maybe steak...but as a filling for a donut!

Or perhaps pizza sprinkled with Snickers.

Now I'm hungry.

There are other things that I believe will usher in the End Times. 

1.  Jane Seymour art and jewelry

Is it a snake?  Is it, as a hilarious Mother's Day post on FB declared, supposed to remind me of boobs and a butt?  Or, like, two eagle's talons as they are about to rip each other apart? Or flamingos pecking at each others' necks?!?  Gracious sakes!  Make it stop!

2.  If "Two Broke Girls" wins an Emmy or an award of any sort

That show is not funny.  It is people on a stage hurling one-liners at each other that can't even be connected into a meaningful conversation.

3. If Libraries shut down

I just bought my first book off of Kindle for my iPad.  I feel like such traitor.  I LOVE to read.  And I love books.  I get a sense of vertigo thinking about what the next 20 years brings for the world of actual books.  I can't think about it.  I need a distraction.  I need to go read something.  Where's my iPad?

4.   If Snooki turns out to be a wonderful mother who home schools her children and writes columns for Focus on the Family

Good for her.  But I will save up my canned good and go off the map and live in the remote hills of Arkansas.  It is a sign. I cannot live in that upside down world.



5.  If a powerful nation elects a leader who is wildly popular and brings with him 3 1/2 years of world peace, including a halt to the trouble in Israel


Well, that one is real.  But RIGHT before that will be when Cadbury, Hershey, and Mars all announce on the same day that all chocolate will now be made with vegan products and will, after each bite, leave a subtle suggestion of carrot.

Beach Boys

"Didja hear the news, Mister??", says a random juvenile street urchin running by you on the side of the road, "The Beach Boys have gotten back together!"  (Although, in my head, the street urchin is wearing knickers circa-1932, so how he knows about the Beach Boys, I truly cannot say)

Is it possible for three guys to all draw the short straw??

Well, the constant cheesy movie running through my head is correct...the Beach Boys are playing gigs again.   Middle-aged women everywhere are dusting off their Brian Wilson posters and attempting to squeeze into those delicious pink hot pants.

Your mom is ready for the BB Reunion!

I, on the other hand, am keeping my hot pants in the drawer, thank you very much.  And its not just because I am younger than 54.

No, for me, there is a grudge.  A bone to pick with the Beach Boys.  I take exception to the song "California Girls"...I think.

Here's the deal.  The lyrics are as follows:

Well East Coast girls are hip I really dig those styles they wear

So, they are really great dressers and Brian Wilson "digs" them.  That's cool.

And the Southern Girls with the way they talk, they knock me out when I'm down there.

Sigh...its true!  No man can stand up to a blonde, tan, southern girl saying, "Hey, ya'll.  Howya doin'!"  I wouldn't have stood a chance at finding a date if I were living here while single.

The Mid-West farmer's daughters really make you feel alright

................................"Aright"?.......................Really?  Midwest girls make guys feel "......alright".  Well, thanks, Brian.  That's so sweet. East Coast girls dress hot.  Southern girls "knock you out".  But, if you ask me, Brian, it sounds like the lyrics just flowed from your lips until you got to the Midwest.

I can just picture the Beach Boys sitting around trying to write this song.

"The Midwest....um, what kind of girls live there?"

"From what I can see from the airplane that takes me from L.A. to NYC, it pretty much looks like farms...lets just say they are farmers daughters."

"And they make me feel....uh...I don't know."

"I knew a Mid West girl once.  She was sweet and honest and didn't play games and talked normal like a news anchor and wore several different shades of black, gray and brown and was addicted to Faygo pop...she made me feel alright."  

The album they dedicated to "Midwest Farmer's Daughters"

Midwest girls are AWESOME!  Because I am AWESOME!

However, this is where I am not sure I have a problem with this song.  Because the next lyric is.

And the Northern girls with the way they kiss, they keep their boyfriends warm at night

Woo hoo!  And he sings it all lusty-like.  I wanna be a Northern Girl!!  But maybe I am???  What is Michigan?  Midwest?  Northern?  Its definitely "Mid" America.  But we definitely like hockey and have an ever-so-slight Canadian lilt to our speech.

Either way, I still am mad at the Beach Boys because I must go through this entire thought process EVERY TIME I hear that stupid song.  Every....time.....

And don't even get me STARTED on "Good Vibrations"...

"Sexy Cave Girl"

My husband just got back from a week long business trip to the buzzing metro of Portland, Oregon.

Its been a lazy day as I decompress from a week of single-parenting and he sleeps off the time difference and red-eye flight home.

I showered, I dressed, I put on make up. We headed out the door for a lunch date.

On the way into Chipotle (naked burrito bowl is a gluten free girl's best friend!), I caught my reflection in the store window.

Sweet Mother of  Bam Bam!  I 'd forgotten to do my hair!!!!

Do you know what this MEANS?  No, probably not.  Because you are a normal person with straight hair or curly hair.  Your idea of undone hair is, "Oh no, my completely straight hair is flat!" or "Oops, forgot to put gel into my lusciously curly hair so now it has to only look like Maid Marion in "Prince of Thieves" instead of like Mariah Carey in the 1990s."

My hair, on the other hand, is both.  BOTH, I tell you!  Kinky, curly, frizzy on top.  Straight on the bottom. Its a distant cousin of the mullet.

Well, it looked like this:

 

 

Attempting to distill the horror that my husband MUST have been feeling, I tried to tell him that its that "Sexy Cave Girl" thing that guys are always fantasizing about.  That's a thing...right?

And I mean, if this girl is good enough for Kevin Costner, what is my husband complaining about??

Native American Orphan Lady/My Hair Mentor

I usually straighten it, but that takes work.  So, the other option is to curl it.  But then I show up at choir, Room Mom meetings, at the end of my driveway to get my trash can, and it looks like I'm about to head out to prom.  Although, honestly, living in the South, I can get away with it.

So, you know.  Fine.  My hair is tragic.  But I'm telling you...this Sexy Cave Girl thing is going to catch on.  Soon "All y'all" (southern) will be running to your hair dresser and asking for a spiral perm. "But just on the top half of my hair, please!"

Loner

My husband is in Portland, Oregon for the week on business.

I miss the concept of my husband.  I miss the love of my husband.  I miss our fun banter as we watch TV or get ready for bed.

But I am sort of having an affair with the solitude while he is away.

I have always liked be alone.

I have gone to movies by myself.  Restaurants, as a lone patron, do not intimidate me in the least. 12 hour road trips...done.  For fun, when I lived in DC, I gloried in hopping on the Metro and walking wistfully around the District for hours and hours.

Words can't express it, but I feel more significant when I'm alone.   Suddenly, instead of intently listening or talking to the person I am with, I can focus on the world around me.  The social quirks of other people.  This is a relief, since my quirks are typically the ones on display.

My reality is full of miss-adventures.  I quirk the CRAP out of normal life!  Being alone allows me to feel put together.  No one has to know how odd I am or about the running sitcom entitled, "The One at the Airport", currently playing in my mind.

In my head, I am sitting at a cafe in Paris in a striped, boatneck shirt and black peddle-pushers, sipping coffee, and basically being Audrey Hepburn.

It's me!  Thinking about how much more awesome I am than everyone else

In airports, I find myself talking to strangers, commenting on the cuteness of babies, actually making eye contact with the lady at the ticket counter.  I'm a slightly better version of me, I think.

So...what do I do when my husband is away?

Oh, I don't know...can you handle it?

I mean, really...this is hot stuff...

I. watch.  PBS.

My husband rolls his eyes at PBS.  Meanwhile, PBS is on the list of non-human things I would marry if I could.  Someday, PBS, we will find our voice and make our love known...sigh...

Masterpiece Theater!  Ken Burns' Documentaries on Baseball, Jazz, and the Civil War!  Ken Burns' "American Adventures"!  Ken Burns' Behind the Scenes of a Ken Burns Documentary!

I should pine for my Beloved, I know.  I'll anxiously await his arrival on Friday, I swear.  But, since he can't be here, why not enjoy it??  Kids in bed by 7:30pm.  PBS at 7:31pm.

Don't tell him, though.

He will be scandalized by my behavior.