I don't necessarily ooze allure from every pore. I never have. I can't wink. My "hair toss" is made less effective by the piece of salad stuck in it. I've attempted to walk toward my husband in sky high heels like a runway model but seemed to emulate the poignant first steps of a newly born giraffe instead. Several times in the dating years, I had tried to stop my self from asking my go-to question after just meeting a guy, "So, what does your last name mean? Is it Scandinavian? Mine is Dutch!" WHO CARES, Sara! Shut up and ask him if he works out!
This all makes me seem like a complete failure. But I'm not. I dated a handful of guys and married the love of my life because I'm flippin' adorable. I am this girl:
Cheerful, sweet, clueless, brunette. Although, you can add to your classic Mary Ann the endearing qualities of being awkward, an avid Civil War enthusiast, and typically being either the most accidentally obnoxious person at the party or the one hovering around the food table.
I have no ability to flirt. In high school and college, I became very close friends with boys to the point where people suspected us of dating but, often, it was quite the opposite...I was setting these boys up with my friends. Always the girl next door, never The Girl.
You would think that, once married, that I would naturally turn into this girl:
Ginger. Also from Gilligan's Island. But, alas! It turns out I'm still the same kooky kid.
My husband still finds me breath-taking, thank goodness! But my lack of natural sultry-ness has started a running joke. And, Voila! Sara's Secret was born!
Every time I try to do something teasing and sexy and fail, my husband whispers, in a over-exaggerated, sensual whisper, "Sara's Secret!". The antipathy of Victoria's Secret.
Sara's Secret would include a line of Sleepwear consisting of flannel jammy pants and whatever shirt you already wore that day. But we don't want to hide EVERYTHING, so I would throw in "peek-a-boo" socks.
A line of Relaxwear (different from Sleepwear, mind you) includes yoga pants with words on the booty. Words like "Sleepy" or "I have a headache".
Once, while drifting off to sleep, my husband tried to torture me by touching my warm cozy little feet with his huge freezing feet. It was mean. I yelled, into the dark, "Touch me and you die!" It was quiet for a second and then, out of the darkness I heard that sultry whisper, "Sara's Secret!". Apparently, in Husband's mind, "Touch Me and You Die!" just got added to the back of some new Relaxwear pants.
Don't feel too sorry for my husband. Mary Ann is a great catch. Because Mary Ann's have to have personality, wit, and also know how to cook decently in order to get noticed. It makes for a nicely well-rounded marriage, Mary Ann and her Nerd.
I will be sure to get Sara's Secret Relaxwear and Sleepwear up and running in time for the Holidays. Husbands, don't miss our Grand Opening! She'll be so grateful, I'm sure those peek-a-boo socks will not stay on for long...(wink wink)...no, I don't have anything in my eye...that's my real wink...no, I'm fine, just, forget it.
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