Sitcom Star

Okay.  I don't know how to tell you this.  If you are standing, you may want to sit down.

My life is a Sitcom. Or, at least, I think it is.  In fact, I almost named my blog Sitcom Mom in an effort to get out my thoughts on this conspiracy.

You see, countless times in my life, people have told me that my life is like a sitcom. I've come to suspect that there are hidden cameras following me, for the viewing pleasure of folks in distant lands.  Maybe I'm a household name in Lithuania,  I don't know.

I know, it seems like I have delusions of grandeur, but instead of convincing you that I do, in fact, learn valuable lessons within 23 minutes, take prat falls, and have outlandish scenarios play out in my every day life, I will explain to you how you, too, can be an every day Sitcom Star.

Lesson #1  Have a Certain Level of Social Awkwardness

My very first job out of college was for a government contractor that developed flight simulations for training pilots and also did alot of work with unmanned air vehicles.  Intense stuff.  I shared an office with the VP of the company, Alan.  He was an intense guy.  Very intense.  He was, almost literally, an exact combination of Michael Scott and Robert California  from The Office.

Would you High Five this guy?

Alan terrified everyone in the office, and 99% of the company was grown ex-military men.  One day, Alan was on the phone. He was always on the phone. This particular day, he was attempting to silently bark orders at me and I was furiously writing down every word.  I turned to leave, but as I did I noticed his hand up in the air.  I turned back around and gave him a big, enthusiastic High Five!  Yes!  Teamwork!  Alan and Sara Forever!  Woo hoo!

But, alas, he looked back at me in complete shock.  He had meant to just get my attention to give me one more task to do.  I stood there, mortified, wanting to explain myself.  But he was ON THE PHONE so I had to just turn around and leave.  I ran down the hall to another phone and called my then-boyfriend/now-husband.

"Geoooorrrrrge!", I whispered so that no one in the office would know my shame, "I just high-fived the Vice President of my company!"

This isn't the end of it , folks.  In fact, that first High Five just started a chain of accidental High Fives that just...kept...happening!  Every couple days, George's phone would ring.  "Hello?", he would say.

"GEOOOOORRRRGE!  I just did it AGAIN!!!!"

I somehow managed to High Five the most non-high-five-able man on the planet at least 5 times in a month.  In Lithuania, I believe that episode was called "The One with the High Five".

The worst part was that Alan and I never spoke of these High Fives.  We just averted our eyes after it happened, shuffled papers, and then I would announce that I had to go to the bathroom.


Lesson #2  Don't "Notice Things"

This is terrible.  I'm a miserable human being.  Please...please don't send me hate mail.

SO.  I used to tour with a drama group called Lifeline Players during the summer to pay for college.   I went to a Christian school, so we hit up alot of churches and worked with alot of youth groups.  One night, we were to eat pizza with a youth group, mingle, then leave to do a sound check, perform, then go to a host home for dessert that evening.  Fantastic!  That was every day of my life during the summer.  But this one took a turn for the worse...

Two girls were sitting at a table.  Already...sitting. One girl was shorter than the other, but hey...we all grow at our own pace!  I walked up to them from the opposite side and cheerfully asked if I could sit down with them.  They eventually started talking about Austin Powers.

Austin Powers, my social kryptonite

 It made me nervous because, being a Christian group representing our college, I wasn't supposed to talk about raunchy movies with 14 year olds.  They were talking about a character in one of the movies that was rather large.  Somehow.  SOMEHOW my way of turning the conversation around was to say this...

"You know.  I feel really bad for fat people in movies.  They go into an audition knowing that they are trying out for a role where people are going to laugh at them for being large.  Its like how midgets (no...didn't even say little people...totally said midgets...) are always laughed at in movies.  Its just wrong."

The girls looked at me.  Just stared.  Wow, they were obviously socially stunted.  I felt the conversation dying...from NO lack of me trying...so I ended with, "Well!  We have to go do our sound check!  Nice to meet you!"

Scene fades to black.

Scene comes back up with my 5 team mates and I eating pie in a living room with a bunch of grown ups.  A lady asks Jason, our leader,  "Did any of you get to meet Mandy?"  I almost said yes, but I had pie in my mouth.  "Oh", the lady said, "She has SUCH an incredible story!  She has dwarfism and has really overcome so many hurdles in her life."

I stopped...LITERALLY with a fork half way up to my mouth...and I freeze (See?  Just like in a TV show!)

From across the room I see Jason notice me.

It is not 10 minutes later that he corners me and says, "Sara...what did you do now?"

My show would be called "That's So Sara", I think.  And, as the music hummed my quirky intro, I would turn with a smile toward the camera, shrug my shoulders, and give a look that says, "What are you gonna do?"

You know what?  That's enough for now.  I will have to make this a series.  No need to give away all my Sitcom Secrets in one blog.   Stay tuned for Lesson #3 Obtain an Over-active Imagination and Lesson #4 Have Naturally Fabulous Comedic Timing.

Meanwhile, I need to go get into Hair and Make-up before Choir tonight at church.